Resenting someone? It’s probably not them…it’s more likely you.
Resent is a funny thing. When we feel resent, we often conclude, with fury, that someone wronged us. We insist that something bad, inconsiderate or unfair happened to us. In some cases, yah, that might be accurate but not all the time. If you are often experiencing resent, you need to read this.
I was talking to one of my clients who said that he was pissed at his sister and brother-in-law. They were coming over for a late lunch and ended up being 2.5 hours late. He went on about how he was angry because he waited around for them all day. He didn’t go to the gym, he didn’t run errands, and he didn’t watch the game because he was too busy planning and waiting. He said that he felt resent. My client believed that he got screwed and ended up with the short end of the stick. I get it. But, what if I told you that any time you feel resent, you might be the one who committed the crime? …and this crime ain’t against anyone else but yourself.
Anytime you feel resent, I want you to think about the anger that is inherent in your resentment. Take my client for example. Upon asking him why he was so pissed that his sister was late, he admitted to being an extremely timely person. “I would never, in my wildest dreams, keep anyone waiting for 2.5 hours. It’s f*@king inconsiderate! I would do whatever it took to be on time!” And that last statement, my friends, IS PRECISELY THE PROBLEM. After working with so many people, I’ve come to realize that resent is sometimes born out of the unnecessary responsibilities and obligations we put on ourselves and impose onto others. Your resentment may actually come from your tendency to make needless sacrifices in the first place.
The advice I gave my client is to stop making unnecessary sacrifices for other people. To him specifically, I asked that he balance his needs with the needs of his guests. At the very least, you can and should go to the gym and/or run errands, even when people are coming over. I get it, you want to be prepared and feel altruistic ‘n stuff. Fine, yes, do that- be prepared. But, do not overdo it!
If you do have a tendency to constantly bend-over-backwards for other people, believe me, you will get pissed and resentful. You must stop needlessly sacrificing otherwise, trust me, you are on your way to a whole lotta anger and resent before your final stop in Bitter-old-person Ville.