The Sassy Psychologist has already written a blog about the Art of Receiving. However, what can your sex life tell you about your ability to stop giving so much and to start receiving? Important note: This blog is intended for consenting adults in average healthy romantic relationships.
A few practitioner colleagues of mine have been known to say that excessive giving is a woman’s issue. With the population of high functioning women I see, I gotta tell ya that I’m not in disagreement with them (although men can also fall into this role on occasion). In terms of what I see in my practice, it does seem as though women over-function in a variety of their relationships. They seem to be the multitaskers who work in such a way that enables the completion of all household, office, and social TODO lists. Go, go, go! Do, do, do! …and don’t stop until it’s done. …sound familiar, ladies?
Now, what about your behavior in the boudoir? Is it all “go, go, go, and do, do, do” without any take? Can you receive as equally as you give? During sex, can you receive a sexy massage? Are you open to receiving oral sex? Are you able to let your partner pleasure you in the manner you enjoy? If the answer is “no” it’s time to fix it.
Here’s what I want you to think about. What if I told you that an inability to receive in the bedroom comes from an “I’m not enough” core belief? Not feeling good enough gives people the urge to get things done. Subconsciously, they might think, “If I stay late at work, or skip lunch, or finish all household chores, I’ll be good enough…a good enough employee, a good enough colleague, a good enough partner, a good enough mom.” In the same way these individuals over-function in their daily lives to rectify feelings of not being good enough, they will also over-functioning in the bedroom. “Let me do what he wants.” “He really likes this position so I’ll do it again tonight.” “I’m going to surprise him with this sexy outfit I know he’ll like.” Now, doing these things is great, but can you subsequently receive what you deserve and obtain true reciprocity. Can you accept that you also deserve to be respected, pampered, acknowledged and celebrated? Or, do you push him away (consciously or subconsciously) when he tries to pleasure you? If you cannot accept, sit back, and receive sexual gestures from your partner, you may want to consider that an “I’m not good enough” core belief is one of the reasons why.
So now, ladies, it’s time to ‘get yours’ and here’s how. First, you have to be aware that you pull the weight in bed because you feel as though you are not satisfactory unless you are the do-er in bed. You may not feel like you are doing your fair share, sexually, without over-functioning in bed. But how does this make sense?! Fair share means equal give and equal take so if you are the one always doing, always initiating, or always creating the excitement during sex, you are being completely unjust and holding yourself up to an impossible and imbalanced standard. Second, it’s time to modify your behavior. (It would be great if you could get your partner involved in the planning but this is not required.) Basically, it’s time for you to think about the moments you often reject. Do you push him away when he goes down on you, or when he spends a lot of time caressing you, or when he purposely does something he knows you like? Ladies, my ladies, it’s time to ‘let it all in’ (pun intended). It’s time to let him pleasure you. Choose one thing you normally try to block him from doing and let him do it! Breathe, sit back, and enjoy. Plus, have you ever considered that pleasing you will increase his sense of well-being. In a healthy relationship, both individuals want to make the other feel special and if you continuously reject him in the bedroom, he may begin feeling incompetent and/or undesirable.
In the same way that reciprocity is only fair in our day-to-day lives, it’s also very important in the bedroom. If this blog resonated with you, it’s time to call yourself out and let him in. Ladies, it’s time for you to ‘get yours’ once and for all.